Back in July, the world gave a big, collective Awwwww to ABC’s first-ever “Golden Bachelor,” Gerry Turner.
The 72-year-old widower is a Hoosier with a real aw-shucks thing going on, he seems to have a great relationship with his daughters and granddaughters, and he has a very cute dog.
But as with any season of The Bachelor, we’re not really watching for the Bach himself; we’re here to watch the interpersonal dynamics of a huge cast of women,
forced into a dating-scarcity microeconomy and living in a big house together.
And by far the most exciting element of The Golden Bachelor is its cast of ladies 60 and up, which was revealed today in a People exclusive.
The Golden Bachelor girls are a far cry from The Golden Girls; for one, there are 22 of them, which amounts to a 550 percent Golden Girl inflation.
Also, they’re all mother in a very 2023 way, positively brimming with attitude, quirk, and cosmetological work.
In a promotional video also released today, six of the women mentioned that they love pickleball, a hobby that Turner also mentioned in his Bach reveal.
Leading with such a glaring red flag? Bold. Pickleball is a boomer epidemic! The Golden Bachelor premieres September 28 on ABC. Until then, meet all 22 contestants next. https://youtu.be/dnm7oH-7beE
Theresa, 69 She’s a financial-services professional from New Jersey who says she “loves ’70s rock, both soft and hard.” Okayyyyy, naughty!
Sylvia, 64 This L.A. public-affairs consultant “loves any excuse to put on a costume” and “enjoys lifting small weights.” She’s going for relatable.
Renee, 67 A former Honey Bear cheerleader for the Chicago Bears, Renee “really wants to meet Harry Styles.”
Peggy, 69 This dental hygienist from Connecticut would have a “very cute bichon frise named Libby.” Hopefully she lasts long enough to share her love of go-karting with Gerry on a date.
Patty, 70 Literally Matt James’s mom. She “loves her body glitter and encourages you to do the same,” and don’t even talk to her before she’s had her java.
Pamela, 75 I think if I were brave enough to use the TikTok age filter, my best-case scenario would be looking like Pamela, who “can’t get enough Judge Judy in her life.”
Natascha, 60 This NYC native wants bell-bottoms to make a comeback (wait it out — they will) and is a “pro-aging coach and midlife speaker,” which … what does that mean?
Kathy, 70 She’s giving Mary Steenburgen. She’s also “OBSESSED with Christmas.”
Joan, 60 This private-school administrator seems like she’d be a really scary private-school administrator. Her favorite food is “a big juicy burger!”
Jeanie, 65 “Jeanie’s favorite color is neon” — what more do you need to know?
Faith, 60 “Faith loves riding her horse, Liberty, through the mountains,” so she is a living American Girl doll or, more realistically, just a Republican.
Ellen, 71 This platinum blonde is from Delray Beach, Florida, and she “idolizes Michelle Obama” and wants to go on an African safari. This is like a whole short story.
Edith, 60 This Californian “doesn’t do cold. Ever.” She is “building an ADU in her backyard.” Apparently, this means accessory dwelling unit, so … basically a pool house.
Anna, 61 Another Jersey girl, this retired nutritionist loves dark chocolate, “especially lava cakes!”
Christina, 73 Ooookay, so here is a guy’s girl. She keeps it real by being the only one in the photo shoot wearing pants.
She drives stick and “loves a good dude ranch.” She is from Sierra Madre, which, of course, translates to Sierra Mother!